How Unresolved Pain Can Affect Us

  • Addictions: A dependence on a behavior or substance that a person is powerless to stop. The addict continues in this pattern of behavior despite the harm that results.
    • Alcohol or drugs
    • Food
      • Compulsive eating
      • Eating too little (anorexia)
      • Bulemia (purging)
      • Use food to numb feelings
      • Use food to keep weight on to protect self
    • Gambling
    • Spending money, shopping
    • Gossiping
    • Adrenalin
    • Work
    • TV, Entertainment
    • Sexual
      • Affairs
      • Promiscuity
      • Pornography: Internet or other
      • Peepers
      • Exposers or flashers
      • Obscene Phone calling
      • Pedophilia
      • Homosexuality: Sexual identity confusion
  • Compulsive and/or Obsessive Behaviors: Studies show that women particularly are prone to more serious Compulsive Obsessive Disorder(COD) when they reach 40 or 50 so identifying and changing this behavior is very important
    • Self-mutilation
    • Rituals (e.g. washing hands; checking; repeating tasks over and over again for no logical reason)
    • Catastrophic thinking (Excessive beliefs that something bad is going to happen to you or someone else)
  • Relationship Difficulties
    • Distance from God and others
    • Boundaries:Too rigid or lack of healthy boundaries
    • Codependency - Being dependent on others for your own sense of self-worth and happiness which can lead to enabling another to continue in their addiction or dysfunction.
    • Inability to love or accept love
    • Inability to trust, or trust indiscriminately
    • Projection - (i.e. displacement of anger, projection of our undesirable personality traits to others)
    • Transference - A person may transfer feelings he or she has about important figures (such as mother, father, first love, etc.) to a spouse, authority figure, doctor, etc. Transference may be positive or negative - colored by very warm, affectionate feelings or very strong feelings of fear, anger, or disgust
    • Difficulties with:
      • Spouse
        • False intimacy
        • Don’t or can’t share deep feelings
        • Lack of affection
        • No real emotional intimacy
        • Sexual problems:
          • sex is non-emotional
          • fear or disgust of sex or lack of desire for sex
          • Avoid sex
          • Confusion between sex and nurturance
          • Sexual Adictions
        • Dominating/controlling
        • Fear of abandonment causing distance, need to control, etc.
        • Jealousy
      • Children
        • Controlling parent – Rigid
        • Enmeshed (Lack of boundaries)
        • Lack of affection
        • Emotional incest (child meets emotional needs of parent that should be met by other parent or adult)
      • Authority Figure: boss, pastor, leaders, etc. This person will usually not put themselves under anyone or the opposite , they desperately need their approval and do whatever they can to please
        • fear of being controlled so rigid boundaries are set
        • fear of being abused verbally, emotionally, physically or even sexually
        • put on pedestal
        • allow self to be controlled and manipulated
    • Distortions about God based on erroneous teaching, or poor examples from fathers, pastors, etc. Some of these distortions include:
      • God is distant
      • God is waiting to punish me
      • God will abandon me
      • God can't love me
      • God doesn't care about me
    • Friends/Peers
      • run from relationships
      • lean too much on friends
      • don’t’ allow others to get close and know the real you
  • Emotional Difficulties
    • Emotionally Immature
    • Anger: out of control, rage, or unable to express anger until pressure builds and person explodes
    • Inability to set healthy boundaries
    • Need to please others
    • Controlled by emotions
    • Doesn't take responsibility for actions; blames others
    • Need to be controlled by others (parents, spouse, authority figures)
    • Lacks self discipline
    • Shame (hiding the true self)
    • Depression
    • Unable to cope with circumstances in healthy ways
    • Need to numb emotions (usually through addictions)
    • Anxiety
    • Self-Mutilation/Suicide
    • Controlled by fears and/or phobias
      • fear of rejection
      • fear that has been transferred to a specific circumstance (i.e. fear of flying, elevators,) but is really rooted in another, less indentifiable or managable cause (i.e. fear of dying) fear of losing control)
      • fear of allowing emotional intimacy with others, including spouse
  • Filters: See, hear and think through filters that distort reality or perception. Comes from not having the right (or healthy) belief system about you and world around you

Codependency Defined